Philadelphia Flyers: Where the Future Is Always Two Years Away

Help Wanted: Head Coach, Philadelphia Flyers

Job Title:
Head Coach (Professional Scapegoat for Comcast)

Location:
Philadelphia, PA — where patience is thinner than a cheesesteak wrapper and rage is a second language. You’ll find Philadelphia to be a welcoming community — especially if you enjoy being booed at your own home games, receiving unsolicited line-change advice from drunk fans in parking lots, and reading passionate death threats disguised as “constructive criticism” on social media.

Job Description:
The Philadelphia Flyers are seeking a Head Coach desperate enough to lead a team that’s been “rebuilding” since 1975.

Bonus Challenge:
Must inherit the emotional rubble left behind after John Tortorella’s screaming matches with rookie Matvei Michkov — a coaching relationship so toxic it should have its own EPA rating. Applicants should be comfortable picking up the pieces of a teenage superstar’s shattered confidence without openly sobbing.

Responsibilities include:

• Developing young talent without screaming at them until they forget how to skate.
• Installing a system that hides the fact that the goaltender leaks more goals than a bucket made of Swiss cheese.
• Acting like a 10 game losing streak is totally normal and cool.
• Reassuring ownership that benching your best rookie mid-game is, in fact, “part of the process.”
• Navigating a rebuild that’s been ongoing longer than some of the fans have been alive — but this time, for real. Maybe. Probably not.

Requirements:

• Thick enough skin to withstand being booed by a nine-year-old wearing orange face paint.
• Willingness to pretend this isn’t going to end exactly the same way it did for the last seven guys.

Salary:
Technically competitive. Spiritually, soul-crushing.

Benefits:

• Free antacids, every Wednesday.
• Direct access to Matvei Michkov — assuming he doesn’t vanish back to Russia out of sheer self-preservation.
• Opportunity to be remembered forever by Flyers fans. (Mostly for the wrong reasons.)

How to Apply:
Submit your resume, a motivational speech, and a note from your therapist clearing you for high-stress environments to: COMCAST