Sidney Crosby Stares Into the Void As Penguins Hit Reset

Hockey is Eternal – Coaches Are Not

In a move that surprised literally nobody except maybe a few penguins at the zoo, Pittsburgh and head coach Mike Sullivan have “mutually agreed to part ways.” Which is corporate HR code for, “We handed him a cardboard box and pointed at the door.” Kyle Dubas, General Manager and professional fire-putter-outer, said it was “time for change”.

Sullivan, 57, leaves behind a 409-255-89 record – a franchise record – over ten seasons, and 82 playoff wins.mSullivan did win two Stanley Cups right off the bat. He took over on December 12, 2015, and immediately turned a sluggish, mildly depressed team into champions, twice. He was hockey’s version of showing up to a burning building with a flamethrower and somehow rebuilding it into a five-star hotel.

Then he spent the next six seasons trapped in a Groundhog Day reboot, reliving early playoff exits and watching his roster age like a cheese wheel left out in July.

The Penguins’ 2024 season was a horror show: 34 wins, 36 losses, 12 “maybe we’ll just sit down” games, and a Metro Division standing that would make even the Philadelphia Flyers send flowers. It was their lowest full-season points total since 2005-06. When the team was going on their third consecutive first round draft picks, avoiding bankruptcy.

Sidney Crosby is entering Year 21, who just finished the season with 91 points, still looking like the only adult at a children’s lame birthday party.

Evgeni Malkin and Kris Letang, bless their durable bones, also remain part of the Core Three — a trio of players so loyal they’ll probably be skating into their mid-40s, bones held together by duct tape. Letang just had heart surgery (again) because apparently nothing short of literal cardiac malfunctions can stop him from playing 27 minutes a night. Malkin’s 39th birthday is looming, and he’s still on the books for another $6.1 million a year — or about $1.5 million per working leg.

Dubas, smiling bravely through existential dread, assured fans that the Penguins are on the right track. They’ve stockpiled 30 draft picks over the next three years. This is great news for the Penguins of 2031, who will appreciate the new blood after Crosby, Malkin, and Letang have been cryogenically frozen for future generations to admire. Kyle Dubas is a rebuild master. Look at what he did in Toronto….

As for Crosby’s loyalty? Dubas had a “five-minute conversation” with him. Translation: Crosby grunted once, Dubas nodded, and the two men silently agreed to keep pretending everything was fine. He will be traded to a contender before the trade deadline in the 2025-26 season. Guaranteed!

Help Wanted: Head Coach, Pittsburgh Penguins

Job Description:
The Pittsburgh Penguins are seeking a Head Coach bold enough to lead a roster where the median age is “ancient oak” and the franchise mood is “low-grade existential panic.”

Responsibilities include:

• Pretending Sidney Crosby isn’t singlehandedly holding this team together with sheer willpower.
• Nodding politely when Kyle Dubas explains “the vision” for the fifteenth time.
• Smiling through tears as the Metro Division beats you with tire irons.
• Acting thrilled when asked about “grit” and “leadership” while your top defenseman is held together by medical miracles and optimism.

Requirements:

• Ability to say “we’re building for the future” without laughing.
• Fluent in cliches: “trust the process,” “one game at a time,” “we like our group.”
• Willingness to be fired politely within 3-5 years after one playoff miss.